How to Help Your Child Cope with Separation Anxiety: Tips for Parents

One of the topics I get asked about a lot is separation anxiety, with the main question being:

"Could this be the reason my child is waking so often at night?"

The answer is yes. If your child is going through a phase of separation anxiety, sleep can be one of the first things to slip. You might find that they begin to wake several times each night, crying for one or both parents. Unfortunately this can then set off a cycle of disrupted sleep and anxiety, which can be hard to break.

Most babies and children will experience separation anxiety at some point. This is a really normal part of development, but, as a parent, it is incredibly distressing if your little one cries and clings to you when you have to leave them with another care giver.

Signs of separation anxiety in early childhood include crying, clinginess and tantrums. This can begin anytime from about 6 months of age and may reoccur until the age of four. The timing and intensity of separation anxiety experienced can vary hugely from child to child, but for the majority, this is a completely appropriate and natural reaction to being left by their primary caregivers. With the right strategies in place, and plenty of patience and understanding, most children will simply grow out of it.

A very small percentage of children may go on to experience more prolonged separation anxiety, which continues into their school years. If separation anxiety lasts for weeks or months, rather than days, or of it interferes with school, friendships and other social activities, this may be a sign of a larger problem known as Separation Anxiety Disorder (more on this soon).

Why Does Separation Anxiety Happen?

Separation anxiety is a sign that your child is beginning to have an awareness and understanding of the world around them. They recognise you and other close care givers as their ‘safe’ people, who they can trust and depend upon. New situations or people they do not recognise can make them feel unsafe, even if you are there. It can be really difficult to leave your child at nursery, or in the care of friends or family, if they are experiencing separation anxiety. However, it is good to remember it is actually a sign that they have a healthy, strong bond with you. It is important to be able to do things in life that do not involve your baby, so please try not to feel guilty.  Focus instead on helping your child to understand that they will be fine and that you are going to come back.

Leaving your child with another trusted care giver will not cause them long term harm. In fact, you are teaching them to become more independent and to cope without you. This is an important step for all children.

Tips for helping your child cope with separation anxiety.

The following suggestions are for children struggling with normal separation anxiety:

• Start by leaving them with someone they know for very short periods of time, in a familiar setting. You can then work towards longer separations, different settings and new people.

• Plan a fun activity for your child to do with their temporary carer while you are away. This not only creates a diversion, it will also leave your child with positive memories of being left.

• For babies, try to schedule those first separations for after feeds and naps. If they are tired and hungry they are more likely to feel anxious.

• It can help if your child has a comforter with them. This might be a favourite cuddly toy or even a scarf that reminds them of you.

• Where possible, keep care givers consistent. This can sometimes prove a little more difficult in  larger nursery settings, however, your child should be assigned a key worker, with whom they can develop a positive relationship and learn to trust. If you are using babysitters, try to keep to just one or two who can get to know your child well.

• Never just sneak away. Always say goodbye, but make this quick and positive. However worried or upset you are feeling, it is important to wave goodbye with a smile and plenty of confidence. Make your return happy too.

• Some children benefit from a short ‘goodbye’ routine, e.g. blowing a kiss or waving through the window. Remember, however, to keep it short and without too much fanfare.

• If your child is a little older, you can chat about what you will do once you have picked them up again. You could plan a special walk or even just a quick trip to the shops to pick up supplies for dinner. Talk to your child about how they feel and explain where you are going and when you will be back.

• Always keep your promises. So, if you have told your child you will pick them up at a certain time, stick to this. They can then begin to develop confidence in being left and trust that you will be back when you say you will.

• Build dedicated 1:1 time with your child into each day. This could be as simple as sharing a book together.

• Avoid ‘scary’ television and try not to expose your child to the news or other worrying topics.

• Don’t give in! Be calm and consistent. Stick with it and you should soon see your child adjust.

Separation anxiety is a normal, natural phase that nearly all babies and children go through. But they will gradually learn to be separate from you and have fun with their peers and other care givers. Until this time it is important to ensure your child’s separation anxiety does not start to get in the way of them socialising and learning, or stop you from leaving them at all.

If you find your child’s separation anxiety becoming particularly troublesome, they are getting very distressed for long periods, or that the phase is lasting for weeks or months rather than days, if might be worth having a chat to your health visitor.

Sometimes separation anxiety can begin to have an affect on other aspects of your child’s life. You might find your child wants to be carried around all the time when they are with you or that they cannot sleep on their own. Again, this is perfectly normal and should pass in time.

If you would like further advice or would like to discuss your child’s sleep issues or separation anxiety, book in a free Discovery Call.

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